Your Child Doesn't Need a Perfect Parent
Do you ever feel like you're failing because you can't be the "perfect" parent?
In this episode, Tammy and Shannon explore why the goal of perfect parenting may actually be getting in the way of the connected, joyful relationship you want with your child. Through honest stories from their own family, they share how repairing after difficult moments, understanding what behaviour is really communicating, and responding to your child's unique needs can transform the way you parent.
You'll discover why kids don't need perfect parents—they need real ones. Learn how to recognize your child's triggers before meltdowns happen, why connection matters more than perfection, and how a simple "do-over" can strengthen trust and resilience in your family.
The Shift Beneath the Words:
- Kids don't need perfect parents—they need real parents.
- Connection matters more than perfection.
- Behaviour is communication—for children and parents.
- Understanding your child's unique triggers makes parenting easier.
- Give yourself grace and embrace the "do-over."
Parenting mistakes are inevitable. Instead of dwelling on guilt, parents are encouraged to check in with themselves, reframe the situation, repair the relationship, and simply ask for a "do-over." Children learn that they don't have to be perfect either. That we all make mistakes, and how to learn from them. This models resilience, accountability, and healthy conflict resolution.
About the Hosts:
In addition to being Mom to four kids in a blended family and a “Gammy,” Tammy Ulrich, MA has always been passionate about making a difference for children and families. For more than 40 years, it has been her life's work—as founder and administrator of a Montessori preschool for 24 years, a college instructor in Child & Family Studies, and now through The Guiding Mindset. Tammy helps parents truly see and understand the unique little human before them. Through practical principles and tools, she supports parents as they nurture and guide their child while navigating their parenting journey with greater confidence and ease.
Shannon Achilles is Tammy’s daughter and the original guinea pig for the Guiding Mindset. Shannon’s a working mom with an exciting job as a grant analyst and is a 20+ year military spouse. She is attempting to train for a sprint triathlon, loves reading and building LEGOs.
Shannon is parenting her own son with the Guiding Mindset framework. She is well versed in the challenges facing parents in our ever-changing world. Shannon is excited to share The Guiding Mindset with other parents and families so we can all add more ease and joy to the adventure that is parenthood.
Connect with Tammy & Shannon:
Website: www.theguidingmindset.com
Linktree (has links to everything): https://linktr.ee/TheGuidingMindset
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheGuidingMindset/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theguidingmindset
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tammy-ulrich-43604028/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgVeKtu-X37BwzRqSzaSTxg
The Guiding Parent Podcast is proud to be on the Inspired Speaker Network.
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Transcript
Welcome to the Guiding Parent Podcast,
Speaker:where you'll find the mindset and tools
Speaker:to parent with greater confidence, clarity, and purpose,
Speaker:even when there aren't any easy answers.
Speaker:Together, we're going to explore
Speaker:how to better nurture and guide our children,
Speaker:to support who they are and who they're becoming,
Speaker:so that they can fulfill their unique potential
Speaker:and thrive in our ever-changing world.
Speaker:I'm Tammy Ulrich, your host,
Speaker:parenting and early childhood educator,
Speaker:mom, and most fun, Gammy.
Speaker:And I'm Shannon, your co-host.
Speaker:I'm Tammy's daughter and mom
Speaker:to a very energetic little dude called H.
Speaker:We're glad you're here.
Speaker:Let's get started.
Speaker:There's no such thing as perfect parenting.
Speaker:So many of us are striving to do everything right
Speaker:to be the perfect parent.
Speaker:And some of us gave up on that long ago
Speaker:and are just trying to get through the day
Speaker:and be good enough.
Speaker:I can't even tell you how many times
Speaker:I've gotten the Bad Mommy Award.
Speaker:When you were born, Shannon,
Speaker:man, I didn't know what I was doing.
Speaker:I couldn't believe they were gonna let me
Speaker:take this precious little tiny baby home with me.
Speaker:And I've been working with kids.
Speaker:I had an education in early childhood.
Speaker:You know, I was supposed to know something,
Speaker:but it was like, oh my God, I don't know anything.
Speaker:I don't know what I'm doing.
Speaker:I was sure every car on the road was aimed right at us.
Speaker:And then we had this very happy bouncy dog
Speaker:and I was just sure he was going to maul you.
Speaker:And anyway, I was terrified.
Speaker:Things got better and then Justin came along.
Speaker:And then that was a whole nother thing.
Speaker:That met with having to balance not only parenting,
Speaker:but I was back at work after three days,
Speaker:which was not the plan.
Speaker:But now here I am, you know,
Speaker:facing trying to be a working mom way too soon.
Speaker:Anyway, it's just there's all of us have our stories
Speaker:and these pieces that we feel.
Speaker:You know, we've got the fear and the self doubt
Speaker:and we feel guilty and often we're frustrated
Speaker:and sometimes we just don't know what to do.
Speaker:And then we end up, you know,
Speaker:having a toddler with a temper tantrum
Speaker:right in the middle of the grocery aisle
Speaker:and people are staring at us and we're looking bad
Speaker:and we start to really question our parenting even more.
Speaker:And they go, no, we're raising a spoiled child.
Speaker:We look on Instagram and all these perfect moms
Speaker:and feel like we just don't fit
Speaker:and we just start comparing ourselves
Speaker:with all of these other parents
Speaker:and, you know, looking at what looks like it's perfect,
Speaker:but it really isn't.
Speaker:I remember when Henry was little,
Speaker:it was really challenging for me
Speaker:because he developed a lot more quickly physically probably
Speaker:than he did like academically or even, you know,
Speaker:the things that we think of as academic skills,
Speaker:but when they're really little,
Speaker:you know, it's not so much that,
Speaker:but like he would be at the very top of a play structure
Speaker:and I would feel judged by other parents
Speaker:because he was so capable,
Speaker:but then there'd be the mom that was like literally running,
Speaker:trying to catch him and he was fine.
Speaker:And I knew he was fine, but, you know,
Speaker:I get stink eye from another mom
Speaker:because I was letting my, you know, two-year-old,
Speaker:who's tiny, go way too high.
Speaker:Happened also when he would climb trees
Speaker:and, you know, and then comparing myself
Speaker:because, you know, by the time he started kindergarten,
Speaker:a lot of his peers had no problem, you know,
Speaker:with reading and, you know, those kinds of skills.
Speaker:And he took a lot longer to develop, you know,
Speaker:reading and writing kind of skills.
Speaker:And so, yeah, you just constantly are feeling like,
Speaker:you know, oh, well, he needs to do more here
Speaker:and I am clearly the problem because, you know,
Speaker:as parents, I feel like that's what we do.
Speaker:We blame ourselves and it's really easy, I think,
Speaker:to fall down that rabbit hole of,
Speaker:I need to be doing something differently
Speaker:or, you know, I'm not enough,
Speaker:which, you know, then for a lot of parents just spirals
Speaker:and it can be really, really challenging.
Speaker:And we gotta give ourselves, you know,
Speaker:we need to give ourselves a break
Speaker:because every child's different.
Speaker:Every child develops at their own pace, at their own rate.
Speaker:And I mean, look at him now, he's very well balanced.
Speaker:You know, that was really the case with you too,
Speaker:was, you know, you just had to develop
Speaker:into this nice balance.
Speaker:And when I feel like when we are nurturing all the,
Speaker:you know, nurturing the little person in front of us
Speaker:and how they're showing up at any given moment,
Speaker:that's what happens.
Speaker:It all does level out.
Speaker:And they do get to either being able to run and climb
Speaker:or they get to reading and, you know, doing those things
Speaker:when it's all their time to do that.
Speaker:And we just need to stay, stay cool
Speaker:and not be comparing ourselves all the time.
Speaker:We also have those moments where, you know,
Speaker:everything just gets to be too much
Speaker:and we're just so frustrated by the constant of,
Speaker:I mean, like H was such an active little guy,
Speaker:just always on the go and you just had to keep up
Speaker:and stay calm and patient when he's demanding this
Speaker:and demanding that.
Speaker:And I remember my grandma used to talk about my mom
Speaker:and tell me stories about how impatient
Speaker:she'd get with my mom.
Speaker:And every day she'd tell herself,
Speaker:I'm not gonna yell at Nancy,
Speaker:I'm not gonna yell at Nancy.
Speaker:And then she'd laugh and say,
Speaker:and then I rarely made it past breakfast.
Speaker:So, you know, it's just, we've all got,
Speaker:we've all got our little things that, you know,
Speaker:where we're juggling with trying to be parents
Speaker:and do what we need to do for the little people
Speaker:that we have.
Speaker:And we just kind of have to move past that
Speaker:and, you know, remember that, you know,
Speaker:we're doing the best we can.
Speaker:And it does start with us.
Speaker:I mean, our very first principle is it starts with you.
Speaker:So, you know, we need to look inside what's going on for us
Speaker:because a lot of the time when we feel like
Speaker:we're struggling as parents,
Speaker:it's because we're overtired or we're hangry
Speaker:or we're stressed.
Speaker:We've got some other piece going on.
Speaker:So we need to, you know, address that too.
Speaker:What's going on for me?
Speaker:What do I need to meet my own needs?
Speaker:But also, you know, thinking about who am I as a,
Speaker:who I wanna be as a parent.
Speaker:Do I really wanna be striving to be this perfect,
Speaker:perfect parent?
Speaker:Or do I wanna be a real parent
Speaker:and really be, you know, create connection
Speaker:and create, you know, a nice relationship with my child?
Speaker:So, you know, I know you had a lot of juggling to do it
Speaker:throughout Henry's early years.
Speaker:Yeah, especially, you know, when Henry was really little,
Speaker:my husband deployed three times before he was four.
Speaker:And so we would have these, you know,
Speaker:six plus months stretches where it was just him and I.
Speaker:And we had family that was like three hours away.
Speaker:And so I did have a lot more support
Speaker:than a lot of, you know, my fellow military spouse peers.
Speaker:But, you know, you definitely get into that slog
Speaker:of the day-to-day, like I gotta get this kid to daycare
Speaker:and then I have to go to work and then we get home
Speaker:and I'm exhausted because I've been at work all day.
Speaker:And, you know, he's been away from me all day.
Speaker:So he wants my attention and how to balance
Speaker:all of those competing needs and feeling, you know,
Speaker:like I was on a, you know, wire edge
Speaker:of constantly being overstimulated and out of patience
Speaker:and, you know, just really fighting to feel
Speaker:like I was enough for him in those moments.
Speaker:And like, that was really, really challenging.
Speaker:And, you know, trying to figure out, yeah,
Speaker:how to be the best when, you know, at the same time,
Speaker:looking back now, I can recognize, you know,
Speaker:it was a situation where there wasn't an easy,
Speaker:oh, you just do ABC and then everything will be,
Speaker:you know, sunshine and rainbows.
Speaker:You know, the reality was that it was a slog of,
Speaker:you know, however long he was gone to get through,
Speaker:you know, with a child that was really, really active
Speaker:and really, really busy and, you know,
Speaker:probably would have qualified as like a high needs kid.
Speaker:But, you know, finding ways to take care of myself
Speaker:so that then I could also take care of him.
Speaker:That was, I think, the biggest balance to figure out.
Speaker:And it's so important.
Speaker:You know, parents often feel like, you know,
Speaker:they just have to take care of what's going on
Speaker:and our needs get put on the back burner.
Speaker:But, you know, it's gotta be where we're making sure
Speaker:that we find time for us as well,
Speaker:because otherwise you just, you don't have the bandwidth.
Speaker:You don't have the energy to.
Speaker:Yeah, if I had put my needs on the back burner,
Speaker:we both would have crashed and burned.
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker:I wouldn't have been able to take care of him.
Speaker:And so, you know, what that ended up looking like for us
Speaker:was that I ended up cutting back.
Speaker:So I worked three quarter time instead of full time,
Speaker:which gave me a little bit more bandwidth
Speaker:to, you know, be present at home.
Speaker:But, you know, that then flipped that whole situation
Speaker:and I felt like I maybe wasn't the best employee
Speaker:that I could be.
Speaker:So yeah, there were all sorts of layers of guilt
Speaker:during that time.
Speaker:And, you know, removed from that now,
Speaker:I can look back and be like, no,
Speaker:I did what needed to be done to take care of me,
Speaker:to take care of him.
Speaker:And, you know, I don't have that lingering guilt anymore,
Speaker:but it definitely took a while to work through it,
Speaker:to find, you know,
Speaker:I don't think it was until the second time that he was gone
Speaker:that we figured out, like,
Speaker:I literally cannot be everything at one time.
Speaker:And started to make changes.
Speaker:And, you know, we did end up going down, you know,
Speaker:to my mom's house more frequently
Speaker:so that I had more support, you know,
Speaker:trying to find the different balances in that regard too.
Speaker:And so then I could, you know,
Speaker:have at least a shower without a little person in my business
Speaker:have a couple of bathroom breaks by myself.
Speaker:But yeah, it does.
Speaker:It's a, you know,
Speaker:and it's never going to be a one size fits all.
Speaker:There were things that, you know,
Speaker:worked for H and I and our family that, you know,
Speaker:wouldn't have worked for other families and vice versa.
Speaker:So, but it kind of does have to be that situation
Speaker:where you're, you know, try this, see what works.
Speaker:That doesn't work.
Speaker:All right, throw it out, try something different
Speaker:until you do find something that makes it,
Speaker:maybe not easy, but, you know,
Speaker:adds that element of ease into the situation.
Speaker:And that's one of the biggest pieces for, you know,
Speaker:for the guiding mindset is that
Speaker:it isn't a one size fits all.
Speaker:It's like, we need to, you know, use the principles.
Speaker:We need to understand who our little person is, you know,
Speaker:what our needs are in a given moment,
Speaker:what their needs are in any given moment
Speaker:and look at developing, you know,
Speaker:all the pieces that come into play.
Speaker:And then we can figure out, you know,
Speaker:what is the best thing to do in this moment
Speaker:for this child, for this situation.
Speaker:So it really does take looking at the whole picture
Speaker:and not trying to just have, if A, then B,
Speaker:and everything's going to be hunky dory
Speaker:because, you know, it just doesn't work like that.
Speaker:Children are just too different.
Speaker:You know, and it also depends on, you know, who we are.
Speaker:You know, what are our own childhood experiences?
Speaker:How were we parented?
Speaker:Because we bring that in.
Speaker:We bring how we were parented in
Speaker:and that affects our parenting.
Speaker:So, you know, we've got to look at ourselves
Speaker:in that regard too.
Speaker:Who do I want to be as a parent?
Speaker:And what's really important to me?
Speaker:What do, you know, what are the most important things
Speaker:I want to give to my child or make sure for them?
Speaker:And, you know, if we had less than positive parenting,
Speaker:you know, that's going to affect our abilities
Speaker:unless we really become conscious
Speaker:and we really look at those.
Speaker:So we really want to break those cycles.
Speaker:You know, see who do I want to be
Speaker:and what do I need to do to get there
Speaker:so that we can start to be aware,
Speaker:you know, know where our buttons are.
Speaker:Know because, you know, when those buttons are pushed,
Speaker:and oh, kids are so good at pushing buttons.
Speaker:They're just, you know, take one to an elevator,
Speaker:they're going to push all the buttons.
Speaker:So we want to, you know, we need to be aware
Speaker:of those buttons that are getting pushed.
Speaker:I know you get to have your buttons pushed
Speaker:every now and then, just a little bit.
Speaker:And I don't know why, like of all of the things,
Speaker:I mean, for me, the thing that I think
Speaker:is the absolute hardest is helping Henry with homework.
Speaker:And I have no idea why, but for some reason,
Speaker:we just against each other whenever, you know,
Speaker:that's what he needs to do.
Speaker:And so I do try and be really present with him
Speaker:when he's doing his work after school,
Speaker:just to make sure that it gets done.
Speaker:And, you know, he's fully grasping these concepts,
Speaker:but it has taken us years to get to a point
Speaker:where we don't both end up insanely frustrated.
Speaker:And don't know, yeah, I still, to this day,
Speaker:don't know why that's one of the things
Speaker:that's the hardest for me, but yeah.
Speaker:And so the biggest part for me in resolving that
Speaker:was recognizing it and being like, okay,
Speaker:this is something that we're struggling with.
Speaker:And so I had to do a whole lot of work of,
Speaker:I mean, I still don't know why exactly,
Speaker:but okay, what do we do with that?
Speaker:So I know this is something that's going to
Speaker:constantly irk me, constantly irritate me.
Speaker:And so, you know, set myself up.
Speaker:Okay, I have water, I have a snack,
Speaker:you know, the same things that I do for him.
Speaker:You know, does he have water?
Speaker:Does he have a snack?
Speaker:You know, we had a routine so that we did homework
Speaker:the same time pretty much every single day.
Speaker:And it's still not perfect.
Speaker:We still, you know, there'll be times
Speaker:where he gets frustrated because he doesn't want to do it.
Speaker:And I get frustrated because he's frustrated
Speaker:and everybody's frustrated.
Speaker:But yeah, I feel like after the last, you know,
Speaker:high school year was a little bit better
Speaker:and we were able to, you know,
Speaker:kind of get into a groove finally.
Speaker:But yeah, I mean, literally years of that being
Speaker:one of the big things that was really challenging for me.
Speaker:I think you really brought up areas
Speaker:is you had your snack and your water
Speaker:and that, you know, this is kind of the same things
Speaker:that you would do for him.
Speaker:And that's true.
Speaker:Our needs aren't that different.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:If I'm not, if I'm not okay,
Speaker:obviously that's going to trickle into our relationship.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:And, you know, and anything, you know,
Speaker:you can't always plan for everything, obviously.
Speaker:But when you're, you can,
Speaker:it really seems to make a difference
Speaker:when you can be proactive
Speaker:and try and get on top of those situations
Speaker:before they devolve.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So I feel like one of the things that came out of that
Speaker:was, you know, recognizing that
Speaker:when I did lose my patience with him,
Speaker:that it was really important
Speaker:that we then kind of came back around and reconnected,
Speaker:did a little bit of repair work
Speaker:and, you know, that kept it from turning into,
Speaker:it stayed within that situation.
Speaker:So it wasn't like that then bled
Speaker:into the rest of our relationship.
Speaker:We could butt heads while we were, you know,
Speaker:doing his schoolwork.
Speaker:And then afterwards it pretty much snapped right back
Speaker:into our normal relationship.
Speaker:But that definitely took, you know,
Speaker:work on building our connection.
Speaker:And which is something we have to consistently work on
Speaker:is nurturing that connection.
Speaker:You know, that being a principle as well.
Speaker:It's foundational.
Speaker:You know, it always comes back to, you know,
Speaker:making sure we're nurturing that connection,
Speaker:making sure that that connection is strong.
Speaker:You know, our kids don't need us to be perfect.
Speaker:They need us to feel, they need to feel connected.
Speaker:They need to feel connected to us.
Speaker:So, you know, and so often when we're trying to be perfect
Speaker:or we're trying to make everything perfect,
Speaker:then that's when everything falls completely apart
Speaker:because we're not focused on connection.
Speaker:We're focused on all this outside stuff
Speaker:and trying to make everything, you know,
Speaker:I think about the holidays
Speaker:and trying to make the perfect, wonderful little holiday,
Speaker:but we're so busy.
Speaker:We forget to be present, you know, present in the moment.
Speaker:We had a trip not too long ago
Speaker:where we tended to frustrate H just a little bit
Speaker:thinking we were creating the most perfect fun.
Speaker:You remember?
Speaker:When we went ice skating?
Speaker:Henry does not like to ice skate
Speaker:and it's one of the few athletic endeavors
Speaker:that I'm decent at.
Speaker:And so I always want him to be into it too.
Speaker:And he's not, and it wasn't fun for him.
Speaker:And, you know, we, again, struggled to try
Speaker:and kind of find a way to make it fun for him.
Speaker:And in the end just had to recognize
Speaker:that like not everything is everybody's
Speaker:and, you know, it's okay that it's not his jam.
Speaker:Like, just like we struggle, you know,
Speaker:as parents to, you know, be perfect.
Speaker:We don't want to create a situation
Speaker:where then our child is doing, you know,
Speaker:the same kind of thing and feeling
Speaker:like they're forced into a specific role
Speaker:and making sure, you know,
Speaker:that they're not being forced into that either.
Speaker:I was just thinking.
Speaker:It also kind of reminds me of when I was a kid
Speaker:and you were trying to, you know,
Speaker:undo a little situation.
Speaker:My little brother had lost a tooth
Speaker:and my mom forgot to put money under his pillow.
Speaker:And so she sent me to do it
Speaker:and not realizing that at that point
Speaker:I was like 90% sure that the tooth fairy wasn't real.
Speaker:I thought she knew at this point.
Speaker:And so that was my introduction,
Speaker:like, okay, it's official,
Speaker:but it took until that moment.
Speaker:And so we were talking about it years later
Speaker:and she was horrified.
Speaker:I was like, actually, I kind of think
Speaker:that was the perfect transition from, you know,
Speaker:believing to then getting to participate
Speaker:in the magic of it all.
Speaker:And so, even though I think for her,
Speaker:for a little while, it felt like-
Speaker:It felt like a parenting fail.
Speaker:It was the ultimate purpose.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I forgot and now for the rest of you.
Speaker:I mean, the tooth fairy didn't come.
Speaker:I'm like, oh geez.
Speaker:So Shannon, quick.
Speaker:I'm glad it turned out positive in that, you know,
Speaker:often we think our parenting, you know,
Speaker:our parenting fails are just that.
Speaker:And it turns out they're not as bad as we thought.
Speaker:Another big one for me is just, you know,
Speaker:working and having the school.
Speaker:I mean, it took so much of our life,
Speaker:so much of our time, you know,
Speaker:cause I was the owner administrator
Speaker:and there were times even that you guys, you know,
Speaker:went to bed or at least took a long nap.
Speaker:We fell asleep in the classroom.
Speaker:So I had a lot of guilt
Speaker:and I had a lot of resentment around that
Speaker:and was really happy finding out later
Speaker:when you guys were adults
Speaker:that you only had good memories about it.
Speaker:You never felt like you were shortchanged somehow.
Speaker:And so that was good to find out
Speaker:that that wasn't a parenting fail either.
Speaker:So yeah, these times.
Speaker:Yeah, I mean, my memories of being at the school
Speaker:when I was little, you know,
Speaker:first of all, feeling like the queen of the castle
Speaker:because my mom was in charge.
Speaker:And I was, you know, if mom's in charge,
Speaker:then obviously I'm like second in command.
Speaker:But yeah, I mean, it was cool to get to be a part of.
Speaker:And, you know, as soon as I was old enough to not go,
Speaker:then I got to be, you know, an assistant teacher
Speaker:up until the point that I could really be
Speaker:an actual assistant teacher, which was incredible.
Speaker:And like, you know, as an adult looking back,
Speaker:there's so much I learned about child development,
Speaker:about, you know, even parenting
Speaker:just by being around young children.
Speaker:And I feel like that, you know,
Speaker:was invaluable and really beneficial
Speaker:than when I became a parent and, you know,
Speaker:I had a preschool aged kiddo.
Speaker:And so, yeah, I don't have any negative feelings about it,
Speaker:but it is interesting, you know,
Speaker:to compare that, you know,
Speaker:we have different experiences of the same circumstances.
Speaker:And what it really boils down to, you know,
Speaker:at the end of the day, it comes back to connection.
Speaker:And even though I was busy and everything was go, go, go,
Speaker:we were connected, you know, and you being there,
Speaker:I mean, I really was blessed
Speaker:because I got to have you work with me.
Speaker:So we had that, you know, it would have been harder
Speaker:if I was working long hours away from you,
Speaker:but at least we still, you know,
Speaker:we were still able to have that, you know,
Speaker:to have that connection.
Speaker:Yeah, we just had to make a couple of rules
Speaker:around the school to make sure
Speaker:we didn't have too much connection.
Speaker:And I stayed in my classroom
Speaker:and you got to actually do your work.
Speaker:They would actually misbehave,
Speaker:both her and her brother would misbehave
Speaker:so they'd get sent to the office.
Speaker:So we had to switch that around a little bit
Speaker:so that that's not where you came if you misbehave.
Speaker:The consequences had to not be going to the office.
Speaker:We had to make legitimate,
Speaker:make it legitimate way for you to come visit
Speaker:so that you didn't feel like
Speaker:I was being kept away from you.
Speaker:But yeah, it's a lot of times too.
Speaker:Yeah, to keep us from getting spicy
Speaker:so we can go see mom.
Speaker:But that's part of it too,
Speaker:is figuring out, okay, you know,
Speaker:this is the behavior that we don't want to be happening.
Speaker:So what is it saying?
Speaker:So it's saying they need to see me,
Speaker:they need, you know, to have some time to connection
Speaker:and how can we do that in a more positive,
Speaker:you know, more positive way.
Speaker:But that often isn't what happens.
Speaker:You know, we often have some weird behavior come up.
Speaker:Our child's acting a certain way.
Speaker:We don't know why, we're tired, we're frustrated
Speaker:and we fall short.
Speaker:We start yelling or threatening or punishing.
Speaker:Of course, I never did that, but you know.
Speaker:Except, you know, a handful or dozen thousand times.
Speaker:Anyway, what's important is that, you know,
Speaker:we realize it when it happens.
Speaker:And we may also, you know,
Speaker:when we do those things, it's really obvious.
Speaker:You know, we know we've done it.
Speaker:But there might be times too
Speaker:when our kids just kind of disconnect
Speaker:and we see something's missing.
Speaker:So there's something there.
Speaker:So maybe we were really rushed
Speaker:and weren't being aware of them
Speaker:or we were dismissive of something they were feeling
Speaker:or something they were trying to tell us
Speaker:or we're distracted and so they feel it.
Speaker:And, or maybe, you know,
Speaker:they dump the eggs out over their head.
Speaker:Your brother did that one time.
Speaker:And we tend to, you know,
Speaker:maybe we overreact when something spills.
Speaker:And so when that happens, you know, kids may withdraw.
Speaker:So it's just another time to notice
Speaker:that there's a disconnect and we need to, you know,
Speaker:we need to fix that.
Speaker:So whenever that happens, whenever we fall short,
Speaker:it doesn't mean we failed as parents
Speaker:or, you know, that's a terrible, bad thing.
Speaker:We can always come back and repair.
Speaker:We don't have to be perfect
Speaker:because we can come back and we can fix it.
Speaker:And the really beautiful thing about that
Speaker:is that it teaches our kids
Speaker:that they don't have to be perfect either.
Speaker:And that when we make mistakes, it's okay, we fix them.
Speaker:We figure out what to do, what to do instead.
Speaker:So many parents are afraid to apologize to their children.
Speaker:They think they're gonna lose power or something,
Speaker:or it makes them not the, you know, not the authority,
Speaker:but makes all the difference in the world to our connection
Speaker:and to our, you know, our maintaining that relationship.
Speaker:Or when something disconnects to, you know,
Speaker:be able to bring, to be able to bring that back,
Speaker:you know, we can just ask for a do-over.
Speaker:And it doesn't have to be super formal either.
Speaker:Like, yeah, we had, you know, a little situation
Speaker:probably in the last week or so in my house.
Speaker:And, you know, my husband was having a really long day,
Speaker:you know, had had a really long day at work.
Speaker:He's got a partially toned rotator cuff,
Speaker:so he's a little extra cranky.
Speaker:And our son picked up on that and was just, you know,
Speaker:seeming a little bit around his dad.
Speaker:And, you know, my husband picked up on that too.
Speaker:And so, you know, it took all of maybe three minutes
Speaker:and they just, you know, my husband acknowledged,
Speaker:like, hey dude, this isn't how I want to be around you.
Speaker:You know, this is not about you,
Speaker:but also I need to do better and not let, you know,
Speaker:whatever's going on with me lead into our relationship
Speaker:and apologize to him.
Speaker:And like literally within just a couple of minutes,
Speaker:everything's back to normal
Speaker:and everybody's good to go again.
Speaker:And so I think it's really important to highlight
Speaker:that it doesn't need to be a, you know,
Speaker:sit down at the kitchen table and, you know,
Speaker:we have this big, huge, long,
Speaker:drawn out conversation about stuff.
Speaker:It can just be part of our, you know,
Speaker:day-to-day conversations, you know, something happens.
Speaker:Hey man, that wasn't ideal.
Speaker:Like, I'm sorry, I'll do better next time.
Speaker:And then we can all, you know, move forward.
Speaker:But yeah, being able to just see your parents
Speaker:really own their own stuff too,
Speaker:I think is really helpful for kids as they grow.
Speaker:And, you know, I think that also then, you know,
Speaker:teaches them what to expect of relationships
Speaker:when they're adults as well.
Speaker:And so you get this whole, you know,
Speaker:process of it starting with your own parents
Speaker:and then, you know, informing how you show up
Speaker:as an adult someday in, you know, adult relationships.
Speaker:It's really boils down to our being real,
Speaker:being real people and letting our kids see us
Speaker:as real people.
Speaker:We don't have to be this authority or whatever.
Speaker:We're real.
Speaker:So kids don't need perfect parents.
Speaker:They need real parents.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You brought up, you know,
Speaker:you brought up how Harry was acting also,
Speaker:and that just really, you know,
Speaker:talks to that behavior isn't communication
Speaker:just for our kids, but for us too.
Speaker:And it also tells, you know,
Speaker:tells the story of what might be going on for us
Speaker:and that we need something too.
Speaker:So, you know, when we have those moments,
Speaker:we just need to understand what's going on in the moment,
Speaker:what's going on for our kids developmentally.
Speaker:We need to understand who is this child,
Speaker:what do they need in this instance?
Speaker:And then, you know, am I flowing with that
Speaker:or am I trying to make them something that they're not?
Speaker:Am I working with, you know,
Speaker:their development with that inner essence that they have,
Speaker:or am I working against it?
Speaker:And, you know, what preparations would make all,
Speaker:you know, make things go a lot, a lot easier.
Speaker:And then-
Speaker:You know, one of the things we learned really early on
Speaker:with H is that if he's hungry-
Speaker:Oh, yes.
Speaker:Everything else falls off.
Speaker:Like that child, like, and it's super predictable.
Speaker:Like he gets super emotional.
Speaker:He gets super frustrated, whatever's going on.
Speaker:His emotions get massively heightened.
Speaker:And we're like, oh, when was the last time he ate?
Speaker:And so-
Speaker:Yes, everybody in the family is very well aware
Speaker:that when H starts to get a little off,
Speaker:he probably needs food.
Speaker:He probably needs food.
Speaker:And so, you know, at this point we're decently good
Speaker:at being like, oh, let's, you know,
Speaker:preemptively fix this situation before he loses it.
Speaker:Because once he's there, he often doesn't want food.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:He eats it, so.
Speaker:I'm not hungry.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah, that becomes a whole nother.
Speaker:Whole other situation.
Speaker:Yeah, I mean, the more that you can, you know,
Speaker:figure those kinds of little triggers out for your kids,
Speaker:you know, does your child start to lose it
Speaker:when they're overtired?
Speaker:Does your child start to lose it, you know,
Speaker:when they've been around other people for too long?
Speaker:You know, overstimulated by, you know,
Speaker:whatever's going on in the environment.
Speaker:And the more you can predict that
Speaker:and kind of work around it,
Speaker:the better it gets.
Speaker:And again, we then we parent with more ease
Speaker:because we're being conscious and we're being aware.
Speaker:Well, so as we wrap up, we've got some tips for you.
Speaker:So when you're in that mode of feeling like
Speaker:you're having, you're trying to be the perfect parent
Speaker:or you're failing miserably being the perfect parent,
Speaker:check in with yourself.
Speaker:You know, what's going on for you?
Speaker:What do you need right now?
Speaker:You know, what needs might you need to meet for yourself
Speaker:as well as your child's?
Speaker:And be thinking about too,
Speaker:what do you want for who they're going to become?
Speaker:So, you know, instead of trying to be perfect
Speaker:in this moment, play the long game.
Speaker:You know, what do we need to do long-term
Speaker:to make sure we have a nice, solid, connected relationship?
Speaker:And then give yourself grace, reframe, you know,
Speaker:the situation and then decide
Speaker:what is the right thing to do right now?
Speaker:Making sure that we really make that connection,
Speaker:that second tip, make sure we really hold that connection,
Speaker:that it really is all about connection.
Speaker:So even when perfection evades us, which it will,
Speaker:connection is what our kids really need
Speaker:because our third tip is that kids need real parents.
Speaker:So be real, just be you.
Speaker:And, you know, show your kids
Speaker:that they don't have to be perfect either.
Speaker:And when they do, we all make mistakes.
Speaker:So our try this is next time you have a parent,
Speaker:a perceived parenting fail,
Speaker:you yell, you threaten, whatever it is, ask for a do-over.
Speaker:No, I didn't like how that went.
Speaker:Could we try again?
Speaker:I think that's great.
Speaker:Definitely asking for a do-over
Speaker:can just sort of take the gunk out of a situation.
Speaker:I don't know a better word for it than that,
Speaker:but, you know, it helps kids feel, you know,
Speaker:back again to that connection.
Speaker:You know, the parents are acknowledging
Speaker:that there's, you know, something that wasn't ideal.
Speaker:And so it keeps that resentment from growing
Speaker:and just makes it so that, yeah,
Speaker:we can go back into a, you know,
Speaker:calm, easeful relationship.
Speaker:We can parent with more ease, peace, and joy.
